So, they want a traditional wedding, hey?
Many people go to great lengths to be sure that their wedding day is the most special, most grand day of their lives. They’ll force their guests to fly off to some exotic place and wear stupid colored dresses, ridiculously over priced and so satiny and frilly that they will never be worn again. Groomsmen have to jet off to Vegas and spend unheard of amounts of money on little shot glasses filled with assorted fruit juices and the tiniest splash of bottom shelf vodka for the infamous “bachelor party.”
The wedding day is, by far, the most selfish day for the bride and groom. Supposedly there will be only one group of caterers, but really, everyone there is catering to them to make sure they are happy.
Everyone in theory will get their turn, so it seems fair.
But what if you are a sworn bachelor, or sworn bachelorette? If you’re not sure of the definition of bachelorette, see “spinster” in your dictionary or reference book. I am a future spinster, and I am really peeved that I have to cater to the whims of all my friends in their lacy, white dresses, prancing around and leaving me with a closet full of seafoam and lavender colored useless frocks. I could open a store called “Useless Frocks-A-Plenty” and not have to invest in one shred of inventory.
So I say enough. But I can’t say enough. To do so will reveal that I am actually a jerk, and not the nice person I pretend to be.
BUT. If you are a prematurely bitter young hag like me, or the male version, there are things you can do to get even without being so obvious.
The trend now in this nostalgia-obsessed generation is to have a “traditional” wedding. But the meanings of the word “traditional” are not what people generally think them to be.
With information stolen from Kendricks Designer Images LLC, I give to you, the REAL aspects of the traditional wedding, and how you can use them to your advantage.
1. The Bride
Oh, isn’t she pretty in her seven thousand dollar dress that she plans to put in a plastic bag and hold in a trunk for the next fifty years. Way back when in 14th century Europe, it was considered good luck to have a piece of the bride’s clothing. Guests would go into a bit of a frenzy at times, and literally destroy her dress by tearing off shreds for their own good fortune. This began the idea of tossing the bouquet to the foaming mouthed female guests, and flinging the garter at the males.
She did say she wanted a “traditional” wedding, remember? So feel free to tear off a shoulder pad or two at will. Remember, it’s HER day…and this is what SHE wanted!
2. The Cake
In 1st century B.C. Rome, they had a different view of what to do with the cake. You can’t get much more traditional than first century B.C., so it would be best to do what they did. They believed that the wedding cake was a symbol of fertility, and the cake was thrown at the bride or broken over her head as part of the ceremony. Make sure the photographer is near when you fulfill this aspect of the tradition. It will be a priceless moment in time that she can cherish forever.
3. Yell out “Now that’s what I call a Gamble!” at the couple several times.
You may have to sneer back at a few people for this one, but the origin of the word “wedding” will set you free. The Anglo-Saxon word "wedd" means that the groom vows to marry the woman, but it also refers to the bride price (money or barter) to be paid by the groom to the bride's father. The root of the word "wedding" literally means to gamble or wager. So there.
4. Suggest that it may have been a better idea for the bride to wear another color dress…say, blue?
Again, the truth will set you free on this one, even if the bride’s mother attempts to slap you after you say it. You know that goofy, “something borrowed, something blue” rhyme? Well, BLUE, not white symbolizes purity. In 1499, some broad named Ann of Brittany decided to wear a white dress, and all the other modern gals of the time jumped on the bandwagon. Talk about a trend –setter.
5. If the groom sees the bride before the wedding, tell them it’s OK since he already knows what she looks like.
Again, you’ll probably seem like an ass. But the origin of it being bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding, and the origin of the veil being over the bride’s face until AFTER the vows is actually the root of this tradition. During the times of the arranged marriage, the parents of the couple-to-be usually arranged the two based on what political or financial advantages the union would mean to them. If the bride was, say, ugly as a dog, and the groom saw her, he may put up a fight. If she was really hideous, the groom may have even jumped ship or split town, rendering the union between the families null and void. Parents are known to be smarter than their children no matter what we might think when we are teenagers, so they began this bad luck mumbo jumbo.
After the vows were taken and the groom had just sealed his fate, he would unveil the bride and essentially, cross his fingers. Funny thing here is, apparently in former times, the women were WAY more docile. There’s no mention of a way to make the groom’s face invisible until after the vows….maybe, and this is just a guess, but maybe that’s where the tradition of the father giving away the bride came from. Just picture a lovely young lady and a snaggle toothed ogre of a groom-to-be waiting in anticipation. After much arguing, the bride-to-be was then dragged by her father down the aisle and given to the groom. I did make that one up, but I could see it…
6. Throwing rice
Apparently, nobody realized until the last five years that throwing rice gives birds a tummy ache later on, so they’ve totally stopped this tradition. Now they throw confetti, which gives janitors a headache…but nobody seems to care about that.
The origin of the rice throwing was as a sign of fertility (rice=fertility…nope, doesn’t make a lick of sense to me), but also a wish for a “full pantry.” In addition to rice, people also threw food. Figs, nuts, dates, and the good one…in Europe they even threw EGGS (eggs=fertility…now that makes more sense).
So get your best wishes out to the couple by picking up a couple dozen eggs from the market and hurl away. Don’t tell them beforehand…it may ruin the surprise!
7. Tying shoes to the back of the car
This is also a muted down version of the actual tradition. The real origin of this dates back to the Tudor period in England. Guests would throw their shoes at the carriage as the bride and groom left. It was considered good luck if the carriage was hit.
Thank goodness for rented limousines and steel-toed shoes. Launch away, and bring along some extras!
So there you have it. The traditional wedding…just as the couple wanted. You’ll leave with the satisfaction of knowing you made the day as authentic as you could. Come to think of it, you probably won’t ever have to go to another wedding in your life, either.
