Money Saving Ways to Make it Through the Holiday Season Part Deux
Copyright Katharine Leis 2003
Since three people and one canary liked the first section of this article so much, I’ve decided to write another section. In the words of Tag Team, “whoomp, there it is” below…
“You can lead a woman away from a Christmas Party, but you can’t make her think.”
You just won’t listen, will you? OK, if you absolutely MUST throw a Christmas party, here is how to REALLY save money. It takes about a month of planning, but it’s worth it.
Cookies: Forget about the Christmas ones, ok, just FORGET THEM. Buy whatever cookies are cheapest in August, and put them in the closet until your pArTy. The cookies will be the most beautiful shade of forest green. No matter what shape they were initially, the new shape probably will look like a bell, or a Santa standing sideways. Worried you’ll make your guests sick? Don’t give it a second thought. The only person who will even eat one is Jim and Angela’s kid and he would have probably thrown up on the carpet anyway.
Decorations: Watch your neighbor every day. When he or she brings home new Christmas lights, get out your binoculars and look closely at the box. IMPORTANT: Make SURE to know exactly what type and how many lights there are. Next step, allow him or her to put the lights up, and comment on how pretty they are and that you are thinking about getting some just like them. Wouldn’t it be nice to have two houses so pretty? Ask the neighbor where they were purchased, and go and buy the exact same $100 set. Show the neighbor when you return. Wait three days and steal your neighbor’s lights in the middle of the night. The next day, exclaim how horrible it is that someone would do such a thing, especially at Christmas, and say that you were going to put yours up two days ago and you’re glad you didn’t. Return the ones you purchased from the store and then in plain view with your neighbor maybe even helping you, string the glorious free lights up all ‘round your house.
Carpets: This one is tricky. What you have to do is distract the first several guests with all of your might. Show them pretty and colorful things that light up as soon as they come through the door. They will have their shoes on. After around 10 people arrive, do not distract the next to come in. When said stooly politely asks if they should take off their shoes, turn to the empty matt and then exclaim loudly enough that everyone can hear “Egad! I completely forgot to ask everyone to take off their shoes! And I just had the carpets cleaned!” As the so called and blamed culprits return to the front door and remove their shoes, you are GUARANTEED that one will suggest they all chip in to get your carpets cleaned for you. Between the ten of them, it won’t cost each of them but a few dollars.
Presents: Do up one of those “Secret Santa” things, but make sure to fix the pot. Don’t bother actually picking a name yourself and you’ll save yourself seventy-five cents and a trip to the dollar store straight off. Make sure to start with a hat filled with only your name, and march right up to the wealthiest, most generous person in the group…this way you are guaranteed somethin’ ‘spensive. Make sure to remember what said person bought for whoever else last year and plan accordingly…sometimes people with the best intentions but the most hideous crap for gifts. Just because it was expensive doesn’t make it any less horrid. After you’ve nailed your pick, switch out the hat for the one with everyone else’s names and let them “pick like nobody’s watching”…oh no wait, that’s “dance”….never mind.
After you are done with all of your dastardly deeding and cautious fanegeling, sit back, hold your breath, and hope that nobody finds you out or catches up with your scheming. Worst case scenario is that you are caught. Keep the following in mind…
They say Christmas is the time for giving. If you are found out, make sure to reword that and tell your hot-between-the-ears-and-slightly-duped friends that Christmas is also the time for FORgiving. Then steal their wallets and run.
Thank you and good night.
