Eight simple rules...

by Katharine Leis

Well my goodness, I do not believe that I am actually going to write about SEX.

Not that I am a prude, but this is my first article about the "S" word. Though I know there are literally millions of other articles out there, I think they lack the basics. There are volumes of books with lovely illustrations and detailed, step-by-step instructions, but I do not think there is any need to make

something so simple as sex more complicated than it really needs to be.

Our most primitive drives or functions are eating, sleeping, and sex. Sure, there are sleep clinics for those who have difficulty sleeping, and there are courses for how to eat with appropriate utensils at foo-foo affairs and to-dos, but we are much more than capable of fulfilling these needs with just a little basic instruction.

Now, in all honesty, I have no real reference to go by here. I am much too embarrassed to buy any of those fancy books on the topic. I am just making this up based on my own observations.

Here are my eight little rules for having good sex...

1. Make sure you have a partner...

Some even prefer more than one, but that is NOT my business. The French call it a menagerie in the trees or something. If you do have more than one and don't really need him or her, you may want to be considerate and give the other one away to someone less fortunate. If you are not able to find a partner, this is not the instruction set for you.

2. Remove your clothing....

Especially the pants. Please do remember, even in a heated moment of passion, there are very few pairs of pants with ankle areas wide enough to slide over the shoes effortlessly. Unless bell bottoms return to the fashion world, always remove your shoes before attempting to remove the pants. Failing to do this may result in an embarrassing "pant leg won't budge either off or back on the shoes" moment, which results in an unexpected delay. That all important passion risks disappearing as you and your partner attempt to slowly inch your bunched up pant legs back over your shoes.

3. Play appropriate music...

Some prefer slow, romantic music and some prefer Moby, but if you play "The Chicken Dance" or "Achy Breaky Heart," your experience may not be as emotionally fulfilling.

4. Talking on the phone and watching TV are definite No-Nos...

Just because you CAN do several things at once, it doesn't mean you should. Doing either of these things while having sex is not only distracting to your partner, it may even be perceived as rude.

5. Avoid laughter...

I know that joke that Steve told at the office earlier was really funny, but laughter during sex is just not a good thing. Even worse than that is if you do happen to laugh and then refuse to say why.

6. When something isn't working, try something else...

I know the-guy-in-that-movie was very adept at holding his partner up against the wall, but if your arms are slightly less muscular or your partner weighs more than 102 pounds, this very cool looking position may just not be right for you. If you find that after a few seconds, your partner is a mere inches from the floor and you resemble one of those Russian dancers but without the kicks, it's time to try something different.

7. No yelling "I'm the man!"...

Seriously. That is NOT a good thing to yell at ANY time, no matter how much you really feel that you are indeed the man.

8. Dirty talk...

Make sure your partner is responsive to this type of interaction should you choose to engage in it. What is a major turn on to you may really be creepy to someone else. Really creepy. A good way to figure out if she enjoys this is to mentally check the following:

- did she answer when you asked her weird things in a hiss-like whisper?

- did she say "ew" or "that's creepy, stop that?"

- is she still in the room?

Remember that what is good for the goose is not always good for the gander.

Oh, I was just reminded of one important extra rule, make sure there are no geese in the room during the act. Geese are not only distracting with all that honking and carrying on, they are sometimes confused as to what it edible and what is not, and their little beaks can give quite a nasty pinch.